As I rode from Williamsburg to the Upper East Side tonight, I cried silently in the cab. A real good cry.
I’ve never felt this way at the end of a trip. Like I’ve accomplished something. Like I’m on my way to a podium to receive a gold medal. I did not believe I could do this trip and I did not believe I was capable of being who I was this week.
That I could reach out to people, make plans with people, accept being blow-off by people, be disappointed by people, have what seemed like a lunch-date with people turn into the best therapy I’ve ever had, realize that I couldn’t see everybody and be okay with it.
That I could save the money, budget the money, take a subway when I know a cab would be easier so that I could use the money to treat my friends, spend the money on bandaids and shampoo even though it isn’t glamorous.
That I could keep my phone charged, keep an umbrella in my purse, keep a sense of direction in a town without a horizon, keep my wits about me with my feet being in more pain than they’ve ever been.
It’s been a long while since I felt like the world wasn’t spinning. And I’ve been really cavalier about the worth of my life. I live in one of the greatest cities in the world, at a job that people LITERALLY dream of, taking classes on my favorite thing from the smartest people in the world at a school that believes in me enough to let me learn for free. I have three of the smartest, kindest, funniest, most interesting and generous friends living three thousand miles from me and yet standing by my side as I struggle to get my footing. In the past four months I’ve heard from many “We’ll love you until you learn to love yourself” and I really didn’t know how that would ever happen, how I would ever get past what feels like a biological inability to feel nice about who I am. It doesn’t seem so impossible any more.
I’m really proud that this week nobody is owed money by me, nobody had to work harder on my behalf, nobody had their day ruined by something I said or did, nobody has any reason to wish I hadn’t done this. I felt nice all week and I think the people I interacted with did too. And I can feel this every day of my life if I so choose.
I’m so very grateful.