I’m feeling very sad. Truly, that’s all it is. I was promised my entire life that the thing I wanted most in life was impossible, then totally miraculously I was able to do it.
And I’m just still very much deflated with all that pressure now having been let out.
And when one of my brain ouchies acts up, they all do. Today I felt lonely and anxious and hungry and tired and ugly and boring and stupid all at once. And I felt a lot of “People are going to ask how my trip is and I’m going to have to lie” shame.
But, I don’t. I think I can say “You know, I got very scared and exhausted towards the end” or “Traveling alone gets lonely” or “This was my first time doing anything like this so it wasn’t perfect.”
So many people were like “Go! Do everything! You don’t know when you’ll get to do it again!” But forcing myself to go to town, cry alone at a restaurant, then walk around a museum until I felt like I’d been there long enough to leave isn’t the best way to spend a trip. And yeah, I will get to do it again! This trip became a reality in March and by September I was able to afford lodging, air fare, and enough spending money that I’ll have a nice big chunk to turn back into dollars tomorrow.
But like I said, when one fear gets turned on, they all do. Fear that I’m not good enough for my boyfriend (who has spent my entire trip telling me how much he misses me and making me feel really wanted). Fear that my chinchilla is going to die (though Erika has made a point to tell me he’s doing well over and over again). Fear that when I go back to work I’ll be fired (even though I’m still reading every work email and checking in with my sub over and over again).
It was nice to take a vacation, but when you love your life the way I do right now, it feels very sad to leave it for a week. But I didn’t realize until doing it that I loved my life as much as I do, and hopefully I’ll take this heightened gratitude back with me.
I guess what I’m saying is, engaged couples SHOULD go have sex with strangers before they get married to prove that they love each other.